There’s been a shift.

Entering into Lent is often quite a strange experience.

You stand at the edge of this six-week span clutching to something you know you should be able let go of, asking yourself the question “can I really do this?” Then with a degree of abandonment mixed with reluctance, you choose to make a sacrifice, one which you hope will remind you of the momentous Christ event mapped out in the distant Lenten terrain. Then as you embark on this journey, you hope to emerge the other side closer, and held tight by God as you wake up to the realisation that your grip on things doesn’t really need to be so tight.

For me this year is no different. I’ve been through this before, yet during the past six weeks I’ve found myself wondering if things really were going to change in me. I started wondering if I had become too familiar with change that I couldn’t see it happening. So I’ve recently been trying to dig down and ask myself some difficult questions; What am I really letting go of ? Is there anything I really need to die to that I might be avoiding? What will I really be like at the end of all this?

But here’s part of my struggle, as we’ve been working through these weeks I’ve had moments when I’ve simply been thinking:

Oh I need to deal with that… but hang on, it’s going costs more than my weekly budget.
Well, not to worry, I’ll just wait until Easter. I’ll buy it then.

Now, waiting to buy something in itself isn’t a bad thing; I mean exercising patience is always good for you. But every time I’ve had that thought (and there’s been many times over the past few weeks) it became increasingly frustrating.

Normally I’m ok with waiting so long as I have an idea of how long. It can be ages, or a short time, I’m not to fussed just so long as I have an idea. So my frustration hasn’t really been in the waiting. I’ve found myself in a tension between knowing I can wait, and realizing that it’s not ok to put things off until Easter as if everything will get back to ‘normal’ after Lent has passed.

I read Stuart’s post the other day and it resonated with similar thoughts running through my mind. How will I carry on life after Lent? If I’m dying to something here, then surely it’s going to affect me?

It’s as if this last week has started to really make me look ahead, not just forward thinking, planning, or the in way you look for the light at the end of the tunnel. But more in terms of reflecting on how I live my life after Easter, living out justice with the kind of humanity God designed me with.

Things around us aren’t always as they should be and this season of Lent has really helped highlight the struggles I have with seeking to see them become more as they should be when the presence of Gods kingdom is near.

So in recognition of this, I made a coffee, ate a hot cross bun and wrote this thought: